What if (fill in the blank)

 During our last admission

Definition: despite the possibility that; no matter whether.

These are the words that ought not be uttered by a mother, father, guardian of a child. There is a saying “And the What Ifs are the worst...”. They truly are

Many of you who have followed us for this past year. During which time we welcomed our sweet boy Emerson, and by the time he had lived 1/3rd of his life were given the diagnosis of leukemia. During this same time Mac’s dad chose to change his career path and began training to become a 🧑🏾‍🚒. Now you may not now how there schedule is, but they are on for 24 hours then off for 48, that doesn’t include if they are needed for overtime. I say all this because, well today he is on shift. That means that I have less of an excuse to actually go lay in bed. Our other two children are sleeping peacefully. 

Lately I do not 😴 very well. On the one hand I have so many things to do, and no I am not 🧹🧽 my house 🤥! I do have so many things on my list, and nighttime is the best time for me. It’s also the time that is most sentimental to me, as I would normally be up with Mac. He was my night owl. On the days I could get him to nap during the day, I would just watch him sleep.  At night I had become accustom to just having him next to me in the bed, or even the hospital bed (as there was no way he was about to be put in the crib).

I was never the snuggler, even as a child, yet Mac created in me a need to snuggle. The desire to be in constant physical touch.

The lack of sleep, times where I wished I had a diaper on, changing of clothes (on both him and I), I would give anything to go back to that. 

Thing is it hurts me to think for a second...what if. I was given only 326 days with Emerson here in this world. Even before the diagnosis I did my best to just enjoy Mac. I had no idea that me holding him, changing him, bathing him, would be cut short. 

I say all this because I know as a mother my heart breaks for every story I read of a child suffering due to cancer, or a family who has experienced the lost of their child. To think for a moment those words would creep into their minds, or hearts reminds me of Jesus being tempted in the dessert. 

Jesus had been out in the dessert for 40 days/night fasting and the tempter came, with all the right words. Words straight from Gods word, and his plan was to use them to trick Jesus. 

Watch me

Now I hope you paid close attention. I share this because you are going to be tempted. Wether that is during your child’s ongoing treatment, remission, relapse, end of life care. I don’t care much to live in a state of fear of wondering the unknown. So not allowing myself to believe the lies that are being whispered in my ear, or allowing my eyes to be deceived into jealousy, or start questioning the choices we made. 

So, mamas:

✅enjoy each day

✅pray for the decisions needed to made, and don’t second guess yourself

✅love your sick little one and to your healthy ones, give a little extra love and tenderness, any chance you have

✅look at and post pictures, no matter if it was a great or horrible day

✅😭 and know that it’s okay

✅😊 and 😄, it’s okay to experience joy...and in the midst of it all know that you are missing your sweet child

✅FEEL! In all and anyway you need to, and at anytime 

I constantly am reminded of by Manny and Mia how much they miss their brother. I’m so grateful that they remember and speak of him, when promoted through question or just random moment. Though Mac did not speak, my children will tell you that their baby brother loved them. 

So our what ifs are not of regrets, but more of what our hopes and aspirations would have been. For us it allows us to remember him, even it brings tears. 

Father God, thank you for today. I know that is is easy for us to live in a state of regret, often driven by temptation and lies. I am grateful that you showed us the power your word truly had. I ask for a covering of healing for those children who are still in the fight, and I pray for a covering of your love and mercy for those who have lost their child. May we turn to you in our times of need always. In Jesus name I pray, amen.