My confession...it is real

Good afternoon all. I want to first give glory and honor and praise to my heavenly Father, that through the power of the Holy Spirit and faith in Jesus, there has been a granting of healing to Emerson. We are currently home. Mac plans on updating by weekend. He has a few busy days ahead, including today at clinic

I thought it would be a change of pace to give you all, and myself to be honest a reality check. Last night by the grace of God, and mama rosa (who took Mac to sleep with), I slept. But prior to laying my head down I spent some time with Manny and Mia. Often times that can just be so much more stressful, but it was nice. I feel like I had a rough morning, and ended up reading Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, not so good day
It was actually pretty good. Though I realized something: because I live in thus world, there will be horrible days until I meet Jesus.
Sometimes I allow my ability to smooth talk a situation and make it appear that all is well, when actually there is a small fire that has begun. It is only a matter of time before it takes down a few acres!

I believe, not speaking in a prideful manner that I have 'held it together' fairly well. Now I have had my moments of shear terror and sorrow and even anger. I however have noticed that as of late the slightest thing pushes me.

I would like to go back a bit to create a sense of where my emotional and even mental state are, and how much my spirtitual state has grown and is still growing.

As a medical provider I had been taught about post partum depression, the signs and how to approach my patient. Yet here I was struggling after my daughter was born. I was often just straight up angry, often for nothing significant enough to warrant me to yell. I am a creature of habit so I just assumed it would not be too difficult to continue you on with that as a married woman who was now a mother of two under 2! It led to me finally acknowledging my issue and even seeking help. No sooner in doing so, my marriage to my husband hit a wall like no other. Like the coyote running into a mountain, chasing after the road runner. I had been taught not to air my dirty laundry, but many of you close enough to my family, know of the situation and many walked and prayed with us during that dark time. I honestly never clung on to Jesus as I did then, and there was a sense of peace.

No sooner did this trial come up and the Lord had us experience a miscarriage, which was a bag of emotions in of itself. Just like that a few months later, after breaking my hand, during a moment of pure anger, did I learn we were expecting again. Yeah! This is how God works: you make a plan, and well He sits back, smiles and says "okay if you think so". I think even more so for a person like me who loves to be in control.

Jump forward a few months and we are dealing with multiple medical visits, only to be hit with the "C" word! Yes of course I cried, a cry full of pain and sorrow and fear. I would do anything to switch places, yet I did not take my eyes off the cross. I just knew I was going to love this child and that Jesus was going to use our son to bring glory to the Father.

Can I tell you a secret though? Just because you are walking with the Lord does not mean there will not be trials and tribulations placed in your life. Its not some easy breezy walk about in life, and nothing bad happens. Sorry this is not a fairytale. So I am glad that part of the team that works with your child who has been diagnosed with cancer is a psychologist. That provider is available for any member of the immediate family. WHAT A BLESSING!

So Dr. J has been wonderful, at this time we have spoken twice, for almost an hour each time. Now I can easily manipulate our sessions. I mean I know I can create the perfect conversation, and make it appear as if everyhting is just fine, but that is not helping. But I have good insight: the capacity to gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing Sit back here it goes

I like: control

You see as a physician and the way I worked in the clinic, I was always diligent. My staff knew what I liked and disliked. I ran a well oiled schedule, according to me that is.

I learned early on that it is hard to control your spouse and even kids in a certain context.

I was side railed with a diagnosis of cancer as I have no control over that.

Though I hate being admitted to the hospital, I know there is structure and timing for everything. When I get home, I tend to feel like I am walking into the aftermath of a tornado

  -why are there dishes

  -did I not organize this area, before I left

  -why is the folded laundry not put up

  -the kids toys and bikes, pick them up! put them away

  -can no one see the dirt on the floor, is someone going to mop?

  -did the kids have cake for breakfast...why? (note is that really worse than a donut?)

  -stickers on the furniture

  -can you please put a bag in trash, after you pull the filled bag? it is not that hard

  -why are pajamas in the shirt drawer

I can most likely create a post with all my concerns. But you do see where I am going with this. Often when I have gotten the opportunity to come home, I am looking forward to going right back to the hospital. I think sleep deprivation sounds more suitable than coming home.

  -gotta discipline the kids

  -gotta clean

  -need to organize
  -there is no real break
*due to the quarantine everything is shut down (I’m not a shopper nor am I into beutifying)

I AM EXHAUSTED!

I would like to come home and just relax

  -run through the sprinkler with my kids

  -draw hop scotch

  -blow bubbles

  -make cookies and get flour on the floor (oh my!)

I often sit back and think when did I get this way. So flustered about a chair being out of place. The anxiety of having people over, because there will be a mess.
I can recall when Elvin and I visited our home, for the first time,  I had made a comment to him: I can see us raising a family here, and loving every space this home will give to us. Though we do not have any formal rooms, you would think there was something special if there are gates separating areas. CAUTION!

I write all this after I have sat and cried with Emerson, who was just about inconsolable and is now sleeping in my arms. Yes, I often just figure I might as well cry with Mac. Let it out, so to speak.
Honestly I desire to smile and laugh more and make a mess and leave things out. To be genuinely set free from such burden.
But have I been blinded by lies from satan.
✳️What sort of mom are you
✳️Go ahead and eat the extra chocolate
✳️Yelling will make you feel better
✳️Go and finish your task, kids can wait
✳️Why would you ask for help, or even waste your time showing how to do it. It’s better when you do it

So what do I need to do? Eat the pint of ice cream? Drop to my knees and cry out to Jesus!
Father God, you never intended for me to be perfect. You sent Jesus in my place to die. Only he, all man and all God, was perfect without sin. I praise you for your grace and understanding. Forgive me for my shortcomings. Though it hurts when you are refining and sculpting me into your image, may I see that you have not forsaken me. Did I forget what you spoke of when you said:

Please don’t let me forget. Thank you Jesus. In the name of Jesus, Amen