How are you?

  

How are you doing? It is such a simple question, that we ask one another on a daily basis. 

Often times we give the same mundane response:

I’m good, how are you

Chillin (what does that mean, are you cold)

Alright (good or bad)

Simple head nod 

The reality is that unless we are spending time with family or a

friend, someone we genuinely care for that our responses can be anywhere close to the truth.

I can admit that I have said ‘I am okay’, a handful of times since Emerson has been re-admitted.

So much of the staff was so saddened to hear about his remission. Upon hearing that Mac’s leukemia was back, everyone was coming to check in on us. I can tell there is real heart for those working with pediatric patients. One of our nurses Ms. R was in tears. There is pain and anguish as so many of us don’t desire to see a child suffer. 

When my mom and sister came to drop some clothes on our first night, they were crying. My mil also crying. Crazy is that every since Dr. V stated ‘it’s not good, his leukemia is back’. I have been in a fog. I’m totally okay with the entire range of emotion. I just notice that as a parent of a sick child often we just push through and distract in order to move through the stickiness of life. 

So many ‘how are you?’ I know they mean well. But is it a ploy to get me to cry, and be hysterical? My true inner response is: I don’t know.  

I don’t know how I’m feeling?

I don’t know if I want to cry and be vulnerable in front of you?

I don’t know if yelling would bring some relief. 

I don’t know if I’m more sad or mad.

 Stop: play and listen

Of course I follow this with: why Emerson? Why not me? I am 100% sure in saying that as a parent of a child with cancer, I would switch places so quickly. 

Yet in this whirlwind of not knowing I know that God is in control. I believe that He gives and takes away, and that He has been faithful from the beginning. 

I can only hope and pray that God will use Emerson in a transformative way!

There is just so much going on that my ability even as a mom is distorted, and the processing of items a a physician is like an empty bubble above my head

✅infection in blood, but appears to be responding to antibiotics

✅leukemia is back

  -no bone marrow done as placing foreign objects into a child with an infection is not ideal 

  -chemo to start today

     ✳️may be as bad as 2nd round 

✅numbers are better today

  -this is mixed though: on the one hand the number WBC (white blood count) which was high due to infection is coming down, but will eventually be non-existent once chemo sets it. 

  -still not need for transfusion 

✅Mac is super tired

  -scanned his head, twice so far and just waiting for final reading

✅I don’t want to put him down

Father God, I am not okay. I know that you know my heart. Right now the only thing I can do is cling to you in this storm. Reminding myself that you are my anchor. Lord I ask for your healing power in Mac’s body. Praising you is my desire. In Jesus precious name