One day at a time

 

Evening everyone. We had been home for about 24 hours at this point. Today’s activities were going to be busy. Emerson had a lengthy infusion with a new chemotherapy, and Elvin was to get his pin (he has completed his firefighter training 🧑🏾‍🚒).

We were allowed to go home yesterday, as Mac had completed his 15 days and there was a desire to have some time at home with the family. I mean to be honest the hospital has become home, which is not something we wanted to get use to. Mac even sleeps better while we are here, despite the constant examinations and all sorts of noises/alarms going off. 

As Mac is neutropenic

 ✳️abnormally low/non-existent number of white blood cells (called neutrophils)

 ✳️remember chemotherapy destroys all cell lines

 ✳️we have to be watchful going home, any fever and we are back

Well today we were going to get an additional chemotherapy agent. Dr. V and I had spoken about this medication in the past, but had not gotten to a point that it was going to be used for Emerson. 

✅Monoclonal antibodies 

     *These are man-made versions of immune system proteins (antibodies) that are designed to attach to specific targets, such as substances on the surface of cancer cells. Some work by boosting the body’s immune response against the cancer cells. Others have radioactive chemicals or cell poisons attached to them. When they are injected into the patient, these antibodies act like a homing device, bringing the radioactivity or poison directly to the cancer cells, which kills them.

✳️ Gemtuzumab ozogamicin (Mylotarg) is a monoclonal antibody with a cell poison attached to it. It is now approved to treat AML in some patients. Several other monoclonal antibodies are now being studied as well.

I cannot say that he enjoyed the infusion too much today. He was pre-medicated with Tylenol, solu-medrol (steroid) and Benadryl. Often times certain medications, even getting a transfusion is preceded by medication, in hopes to decrease some of the common side effects. He cried during the steroid, but he is use to the other medications. Since I have such a wonderful mother in law, we decided to swap out in the first 1/2 hour of infusion. That way she could hang with baby and I could go with kids to daddy pinning ceremony. 

What I really want to talk about is worry. Many of you know I am a worrier. In that I desire order/structure, and I like knowing I have planned for possible future events. 

Since we have been discharge I have been on temperature duty, since basically Mac is walking around with no immune system. 

Now I have been allowed to do this before. 

 ✳️go home and enjoy family, but return if there is fever

Thing is with the relapse, and the last serious conversation about resuscitation directives I have fallen back on the ‘it is hard for me to enjoy the things around as I’m worrying.’

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

-‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Now why is it that I want to cast my worries, and before I let it go, I go and  grab it right back up?Especially in time like now and we are back in hospital with a fever.  In a devotion that my friend T. shares with me, it states:

 The German word for worry means ‘to strangle’. The Greek word means ‘to divide the mind’. Both are accurate. Worry is noise on the neck, and a distraction of the mind, neither which is befitting for joy. 

Well that sums it up! As I worry my ability to experience joy is clouded. Now I won’t deny that as I walk this adventure with Mac I worry almost always. I think lately more than ever. But why? I mean I trust in my savior Jesus. I know that his plan for Emerson will be carried out, and that Mac’s life will glorify him. But...there goes that dreaded word, but as any mother would say, I don’t desire to lose my child. I would much rather switch places with him, and not allow for anymore suffering, that I know.

Back to this trust. My trust in Christ comes from my faith.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

-‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭11:1‬ 

 ✳️oxford defines FAITH: strong belief in God and doctrines, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof

Thing is I have yet to physically see God, yet I believe in Him. And though the world would tell me

 ✅don’t 

 ✅there are better people or things 

 ✅ what do you get out of it

I would have to tell them that I know that I was created by Him, in His image to glorify Him. 

"so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."

-‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭2:5‬ ‭ESV‬‬

My journey coming in relationship with Jesus, with my whole heart was bumpy. It was me being a deep pit and there was nothing and no one to pull me out except for Jesus. My faith in a creator who is so much bigger than Emerson’s cancer. Though I may waver, Jesus does not, and for that I’m grateful.

Listen

Jesus, worrying is something that comes so swiftly that it distracts us from seeing what you are truly capable of. Lord may I keep my eyes fixed upon you and not allow the what’s ifs cloud my view. Thank you for consistency and your ability to renew such a bright light on all that you are capable of. May my faith be unwavering no matter the situation. May your hand of protection be over Emerson this evening as we have returned to hospital. Bring healing to his body and restore it.

In Jesus name amen